We’re talking, but we’re not communicating.
This blog is to serve as a free tool for educational purposes to get a better understanding about the things we support here at Reclamation and Recovery Counseling, LLC. As a disclaimer, it is important to note that this information does not constitute grounds for making an official diagnosis. Official medical diagnosis is between you and your provider. If you have any questions, please feel free to Contact Us for your free consultation.
We obviously know how to talk, but why do we keep arguing?
“Let’s set the scene”
You’ve just finished with a long day at work after being chewed out by your boss for not making metrics or meeting deadlines. You’re frustrated, irritated, or even maybe defeated because of the work day. Your partner walks and this is the first time you have seen them all day. Before you say a word to them about what has happened in your day, you are asked, “you called and made that doctor’s appointment, right?”. This may send you into further anger! Here you are, with a terrible day at work, and now you feel like you are being chewed out at home! You’re already so worked up from the day, you may use some “choice words” that may not be the kindest, to give your partner “a taste of their own medicine”. However, you take it too far and now your partner is walking out the door and no longer wants to talk to you. As they walk out the door you hear them say under their breath, “you always do this, I can never talk to you about anything”. Everything happened so quickly and you can’t even believe the words that came out of your own mouth. You try to approach your partner some time later, only to be given the cold shoulder and the response, “I only asked about the doctor’s appointment because I am concerned about you”. Wow, that may sting for you. Where you felt that your partner was coming at you with critiques, they were only trying to convey that they cared about you.
If this story speaks to you as either partner, odds are you are experiencing communication issues. Communication issues and breakdowns are overwhelmingly common in all relationships for a variety of different reasons. Whether the argument is about what to eat, if the bills were paid, or coordinating holiday visits with the in-laws; we have all been there once or twice. With that said, even though it can be common, does not always mean it is safe or healthy. If you find that arguing is the primary method of communicating in your home, odds are, you or your partner(s) are getting sick of it.
So why do we argue with the ones that we love the most? It can depend on your situation, but more often than not, there are a few underlying themes as to why we find ourselves arguing with our partner more frequently than we would like.
Family Background
Relationship History
Self-Esteem
Before we go into some explanation about these common contributing themes, it is important to make the following distinction. While understanding the background of you or your partner can aid in knowing why certain reactions take place, it does not equate to excusing or allowing behaviors to continue. Each behavior you take as a person is your responsibility, and yours alone. You are not responsible to change who you are to accommodate something harmful your partner does. This goes without saying, that this concept goes both ways. If you are confused about why this is, or why it should be, in a future post about relationship dynamics, it will be further explored.
Family Background: So what does your partner’s parents or family have to do with why you are arguing about what show you were trying to watch last night? When we take a step back, counselors often use families as an “origination point” for many things. This is because, more often than not, this is where people get many of their first “lessons” about life. People usually grow up with a caregiver (whether it is biological or chosen) who teaches them about how the world works, in either direct or non-direct ways. Children often watch how others interact and begin to incorporate what they see into what they do. So long story short, if your or your partner grew up in a home where arguing and yelling was the way to get your point across, there is a higher chance that this will repeat itself in adult relationships if it goes uncorrected.
Relationship History: This theme can be very similar to that of family background, in the sense that you or your partner may be leaning on past experiences to guide you in current relationships. This can be unintentional. While your past partners are vastly different than your current partner, certain things can remind us of situations and we are “triggered” to react accordingly. An example may be that you recently left a toxic relationship where your ex-partner would constantly yell at you or put you down. In your old relationship, when your ex put you down, you may have become defensive to keep yourself safe from further hurt. Flash forward to your current relationship, and your new partner is nothing like your ex. However, one day, they may say something in a “tone” that distinctly reminds you of an old argument with your ex. Next thing you know, you find yourself becoming defensive to your partner even though nothing may have happened in the current moment.
Self-Esteem: Another theme that is common, but not talked about as much is self-esteem. If you or your partner is struggling with viewing yourself in a positive fashion, there may be a higher chance of arguments. To dispel something quickly, low self-esteem does not mean you are unworthy or less desirable, it may just be a factor that contributes to frequency of arguments. Low self-esteem and arguments manifest in a few behaviors, but a common example: projection and trust issues. Projection occurs when one partner is struggling with an uncomfortable feeling (like insecurity) and due to it being uncomfortable for them, they may “project” it on the other person. For example, a person that has a history of being cheated on in the past and has low self-esteem, may make the accusation or assumption to their current partner that they think they are cheating on them. There may be no evidence and things may actually be good in the relationship, but the accusations still happen.
We argue sometimes, but when do we know that we should see a professional?
All too often, relationships and couples may attempt to seek professional support when their relationship is on “life support” and one step away from ending. Relationship counseling is typically not found to be effective when partners come to therapy at the point of already hating each other, actively seeking divorce or separation, or if all partners are not ready for counseling. We recommend getting the support before things are too dire as to prevent those outcomes from occurring. Below we have listed some warning signs that your communication issues are getting out of hand.
There are certain topics of discussion in your home that cannot be talked about without yelling, disagreement, or arguments (bills, work, children).
You or your partner(s) feel that are never heard or valued when you talk about important matters.
You or your partner(s) are struggling with trusting one another.
You or your partner feels like that you can never say the right thing when talking to one another.
There may be a history of cheating (physical and/or emotional) in your relationship.
